onsdag 1 juni 2011

Lost in Space

I just realised I feel utterly lost. For no reason at all. I suppose it´s just another one of my luxury problems. Things Being Wrong With My Brain while I´m perfectly warm/fed/loved. I despise myself. I´m so afraid someone (mum, dad or T) will die. If something happens to Th or M I´ll bleed. For real. I´ll use a knife. I try to sleep but my thoughts won´t leave me alone. Why is this? For what reason? What´s the purpose? What´s the architecture of my brain? We already know languages come fairly easy to me, as do math and other intellectual subjects. But I´m utterly incapable of keeping myself sane. Maybe that makes me disposable. Yes, I think so. But that´s just another one of my pretentious attitudes because I would fight for my life, my right to life, until the ugly end. Obviously I would kill to live.

I watered the hedge and I thought about my reasons. I want attention and I want people to think I´m good at what I´m doing. I checked out the homepage of the university founded in 1477 and the stuff I´m seriously interested in (neuroscience seen in an educational/didactical perspective) is not available to me on the level that I want. Shit. Shit. Shit. I totally should have gone for a Ph D back in the days.

I fought with my son and it´s not his fault he´s as stubborn as I am.

I. Know. What´s. Right. Why can´t I use it on myself?

Quick is pretty so I tone my muscles (define in my language) with tuna and rice only. No salt. I run Stockholm marathon in under four hours and that´s good but it´s not enough for me. I paint my house and I write the novel of my generation and my kids are perfect. But still. I miss. I´m afraid. I despise and I loathe. And it wasn´t supposed to be like this. Maybe if I adopt a too-old child from some eastern country? You think? Yes? Giving birth is spectacular. You should try it. It keeps your mind occupied and for once, just this once, you´re totally focused. And then it´s gone. Back to the luxury problems. Maybe I should leave for Africa. Maybe I´m the crown princess. You wouldn´t really know now, would you? Think JT Leroy.

Then T says You need sex. Just like that. I love him. He´s for real. Really. Do you know how rare that is? At least I´m able to appreciate realness. I had a goat named Kisa. You can´t pronounce it, the first sound doesn´t exist in your language. She had eyes like the devil and she craved my presence. I hope I gave enough. I know what I crave. Someone I know doesn´t. She´s really lost. She pays good money to go to expensive spas and she comes back unsatisfied. Her kind and mine will be the end of this planet. Do you believe in God? In something bigger that yourself? I tried, but I couldn´t. The second law of thermodynamics owns me and that´s it.

I do appreciate life. I know it´s spectacular beyond belief. But as I live the life of goddesses my heart beats in the chest of a fallen angel. I wanted to know everything and there was a price to pay, and yet I could never turn my back on knowledge. Love and knowledge. So why not happiness? Too greedy? Okay, maybe.

Will you stay? I don´t blame you if you don´t. If anything I´ve learned to let go. You do your best from your point of view and I do my. It won´t be enough but I would NEVER blame you. At least this. I hope something bigger than me will show up.

I sat in the shower with my small breasts and one of them were twice as big as the baby´s head and I cried and said You´ll have to go to the hospital and bring me one of those babies born too early because this has gotten out of control and I thought of Sarah in the Bible and when I stood in front of the bathroom mirror milk spurted uncontrollably and stained the glass and I was so unprepared for the more physical aspects of life. Have you seen a dead person?

I´m also lazy. Know this. I feel I have a right to be entertained. If (if at all) I check this for spelling and grammar it´ll be because I´m proud, I suffer from hubris and I want you to think I´m good at English. But prolly I´ll be too lazy. Try to sleep now. No one´s here. There´s nowhere to go but space. Space is a dry and lonely place. I´ve seen worse.