torsdag 14 juli 2011

I Spy with my Little Eye...

Things are slowly moving towards normality. The weather gets an outstanding, although some days it´s been sort of wearing me out with all its bright cheeriness.

I tried to get some painting done, but my husband went north of the polar circle and brought with him our only key to the garage so -- no paint access! Then I simply have to endure some more coffee and reading on the porch…

Hm, on reading and writing: I´m happy to say I seem to be able to concentrate on finishing a whole book again, I have had some problems with that recently (flash fiction has been my best friend!) and I was thinking maybe I suffer from some kind of concentration disorder (ADHD? Tourette´s?), but now I´m back on track =)

I haven´t been writing. I know I´ve had other things on my mind, but it still puts me out of balance. And I have to question myself: why do I feel the need to write? Why do I invest all this time and energy in it? What do I hope to get out of it? Sometimes I really do imagine myself being a writer, a real one, but then I don´t know if I want to be a writer for the right reasons. When I really think it through I think my main reason for wanting to write a book is to prove to myself that I can. To prove I can really do it all by myself and to prove to myself I can make interesting things happen, that I can make radical changes. But that´s not what drives me when I actually write, then I do it because it´s so much fun and because it thrills me to tweak language in a way that truthfully communicates my thoughts (or something?). Oh! Do you see the discrepancy? And meanwhile life goes on and I keep choosing to stay in my imaginary worlds instead of participating in what´s going on around me. What if writing is BAD for me???

I often can´t bring myself to talk to people about my writing. This is terrible, but I think I guard my ideas with jealousy. Like I think someone would steal them if I put them out there =( And I think I´m more this way when I don´t write that much, when I feel insecure and doubt myself and my abilities. And yet I know I´m better when I get to bounce my thoughts and ideas against other´s brains, and I believe that´s true for most people. Yet another area in which I need to improve…

And insecurity… suddenly everyone else is so much more talented and have so much more fun and accomplish so much more than me…

No! Back to the porch it is!

7 kommentarer:

  1. Thing is - you've gotta write hon. Those things you do with words? You've got no choice.

    Don't argue with yourself about it; it's a core part of asuqi. I know it's frustrating to submit and get rejected then wonder why you bother or 'what you're going to get out of it', but if I'm right - then you just can't help it, so do it anyway (and isn't it the best therapy too?)

    Hope your boy's better.



  2. Hm, I understand that jealousy thing way too well. But I do think you were right when you said that when you don't write much, you feel it more. A lot of writing = not so invested in that particular process/emotional outlier. (I made that up, all of it)

    It was good of him to take the key to polar regions. You can't paint, and now it has a story to tell when it gets back. The Little Key That Went to the Poles. Sounds good. Or as if it went to Poland and made an impassioned speech.

    I'm "Don't Know" in your cartoon, mostly because of the boobs.

  3. @Lily: You´re so sweet, lots of love right back atcha =) And yes, I suppose it is good therapy.

    My boy is getting better, but very slowly, he´s still in a lot of pain =( One day at a time...

    @Becky: lol, total boob-love! I´m her mostly because of the completely confused look...

    U wanna know how confused I really am? Husband called and I told him about the key issue. He was all like: Duh! Your regular house key goes to the garage too! Me: ???. I thought I had to use the one on his key-bunch... In my defense we´ve had garage doors for just a few weeks, but still! It´s like I never ever listen, or am completely confused at all times.

    Emotional outlier is stellar =)

  4. On talking to other people about writing. I know a few people who find that their ideas have a shininess to them and the more people they tell about them the less shiny they get until they lose interest in their ideas and no longer want to write them. I think what this says is that everyone is different and some people find it helpful to talk with others and some don't.

    Regarding motivations on writing. I think you can have multiple motivations and it's healthy to want to be written, to have a book accomplished, to have ideas that must be said. The fact that you enjoy the process is even better! Your flashes stand out. I'm probably being brazenly selfish, but I want to read more of your writing!

  5. Jag skrev bortåt i svenska, men aningar var komplexa, och jag ville inte vara förvirrande.

  6. Aidan, "multiple motivations" -- yes, thank you! I´ll remember that. And thank you for wanting to read what I write, that is a lovely, lovely thing to say =)

    I think you wanted to say this:

    Jag skrev först den här kommentaren på svenska, men ämnet är komplext och jag ville inte förvirra dig.

    "bortåt" och "aningar" fungerar inte i den meningen. Hoppas att det är ok att jag rättar dig, jag tycker att det är så intressant, jag får en chans att se mitt eget språk "utifrån".

  7. Tack så mycket. Det är lätt att läsa. Det är mer svår att skriva. När dig rättar mig, det hjälpar mig att lära.