I´m going to try something new and tell the truth. T says I lie when faced with an audience and he´s right, but only because the audience respond to my stories and if I make them better, funnier, larger than life, I´ll get such incredible feedback and that´s obviously better than crack.
So, audience, shall we try for some truth?
Last week was an unusual one. A dance company, The Vanaver Caravan, was in town and I took some classes. Very brave of me and very much fun. Also, we went to their performance and I now pretend I´m cool woman from ancient Senegal music-family. My kids are embarrassed and so would you be if you could see my living room dance act.
I also wrote and performed a short monologue for doctors attending an education in insurance medicine. Again, very brave of me =) It´s been ages since I did something like that, but it was so much fun. I love the adrenaline rush! (And I love getting praise!)
Then I read something I liked. And I remembered why I love writing. It´s so strange that I sometimes forget. Like everyday life puts a grayness between me and my creativity and I forget what excites me. The things I´ve been writing lately have been too practical, I think, like that monologue. The freedom in writing escapes me. But maybe that happens when I don´t have enough time to devote to writing, I don´t know. I will have to find time and balance between the hard work that writing also is and the lust that makes me want to do it.
T enthusiastically phoned me from the supermarket telling me that he´d tasted horse meat and it was brilliant, so was it alright if he bought some? I really think we have to be able to eat all sorts of stuff in order to save the planet so I said ”yes, of course,” thinking horse couldn´t be that bad (meat is meat ismeatisnutrition).
He cooked the horse beef and I ate some, objectively agreeing it was good, but my mind screamed nooooo! And I felt sick and why am I like this? I´m killing Earth! Yes, you can blame me! Rational people will eat rats and cockroaches.
I´ve moved into the subway system that snakes under my house and the creatures living here are something else, I tell you. Björn, the pale radio guy broadcasts at secret frequencies and if you tune in next Thursday you´ll get a delicious recipe on horse and baked root vegetables. The kids down here hare off in all directions at the sound of my laughter, I think it must be a forgotten human expression, but they´ll be back in a second if I sing. I´m digging a hole. I might have lost heaven, but I won´t give up on valleys! I´m thinking I can probably manage an ocean given enough time. Oh, that and water -- I also need to find water. Woodlice sometimes come to help me. Gigantic ones that scared me initially, but do you know, they´re the friendliest creatures I´ve ever come across; so gentle and interested. ”Why hole?” one of them said and when I explained they just started to dig =) Sixten, the one whose carapace has a certain shimmer to it, comes everyday and stays when the others have left. I think he´s into me. Will I invite Sixten to share some fermented potato soda in my tent tonight? I think so. And if I let go of my fading flashlight and he crawls over me in this stale darkness that has become my world then so be it, stranger things have happened.
Oh, well. Small steps, friends, small steps.